Re:laxation

Random Memorandum™ to Latvian laxation authority Sonia Uvezian, lecturer and author of “Keep Yourself Clean: Unleashing the Restorative Power of Yoghourt” — Bravo, Citizen Culturist™! Your colorful instructional has enjoyed a lengthy tenure in the station house lavatory, where it rests dog-eared atop the toilet tank. Indeed, your manual has opened the minds and mouths of those willing samplists who’ve boarded your yogurt train — “Chew chew!” — and exited out the caboose, which is to say, the rear end. I personally attest to the activation powers of your bowled offerings, as your inventive creations have rewarded me with not only fruity sustenance, but many a mid-day kick in the arse. Clearly you’ve left no stone crock unturned in formulating an international spectrum of blended digestives, each recipe more remarkable than the last: I’ve enjoyed the traditional Grecian yoğurt, the “slim and fit” yoghurt and the organic Indian yoghourt. I’ve sampled the thick and creamy yogourt, plain vanilla yaghourt and Turkish yahourth with crushed nuts and honey. Please note that I was delighted with taste and resulting function in all. I attempted to try the frozen Danish yoghurd, but was unable to get to the bottom of the dish before bolting to the latrine; the squeezable joghourt and whipped jogourt “to-go” both led to similar suddenness, which on one occasion forced elimination under slight cover in a public park. I’ve yet to try the Russian yoğmak, and whilst am certain it is delicious, my hope would be a more modest laxation that allows time for stomuch settling before one shuffles off to a plumbed, windowless interior with non-working exhaust overhead. A doff of the baboushka to you, Citizen Foodstuffer™. Call me convinced, which is to say, fully cleansed and retorting for duty!