The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in history — September 12, 1959 — that the Cartwright clan galloped into America’s living rooms, trampling every Davenport sofa and tray table in sight. Yes, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse hit the reality TV airwaves in their neckerchiefs and color-coded vest and “Bonanza” — or “Abbondonza!” as presenting-sponsor Mama Celeste® pizzas would have it — was born. ‘Twas a curious sight, these dissimilar-looking brothers on horseback seen through the fire-curled map of the Ponderosa Ranch. Something was surely amiss and sure enough — soon enough — we learned these were three sons born of different mums! Turns out ole’ Ben Cartwright was the rooster in the bloody hen house, having his way with three women he would marry and later bury for the usual dramatic story-telling reasons — hayloft accident, Indian attack, auto-erotic asphyxiation — leaving him to raise the boys on his own: Hair-hatted Trapper John Cartwright was the brains, Little Joe, the sawed-off chick magnet and Hoss, well, he was the cheerful, over-sized blockhead with the heart of gold and the protector of Hop(along) Sing, the Chinese chef who had the idea for the Bonanza® steakhouse restaurant I’ll get to in a moment. Now, boys being boys, the Cartwrights would occasionally tussle, rolling around on the hard ground outside the homestead like those two fellers did on Brokeback Mountain. They’d get up, dust off their Wrangler® boot-cut jeans, slap one another on the arse before darting off to relieve their pent-up sexual frustrations in the barn or drown themselves in a bottle of daddy’s rye or chase one of those floozies in the resort town down yonder. Bonanza was not unlike the daytime “soap operas,” in that way — all horseplay, winky-winky and drinky-drinky— though this being aimed at men, it was more of a “meat and potatoes opera,” which brings us to the Bonanza steakhouse the lads ran on the outskirts of the Ponderosa. Timber and livestock production were the original revenue generator on the Ranch, but the Cartwrights would soon discover that satiating the appetites of snowbirds in neighboring Lake Tahoe was a bloody gold mine. Life would imitate art and soon Bonanza® restaurants began dotting the US, as families longed for a place where they could embrace the spirit of the Old West, undertip the wait staff, while partaking of overcooked steaks, twice baked potaters and something called a “salad bar,” sans spit shield in the early days. At one point there were over 500 Bonanza restaurants, but alas, like the Cartwrights, they were soon riding into the sunset. The show ran fourteen seasons before Trapper John went off to war, Little Joe moved to a Little House on the Prairie, Hoss bit the bullet and ‘ole Ben Cartwright got into the dogfood business — ALPO® Beef Chunks, based on one of Hop Sing's recipes. A doff of the ten gallon hat to the original Galloping Gourmets. The Cartwrights. All hat, all cattle. Abbon-bloody-danza™!
