The Battle of Alexington
Station house sensitivity expert Cousin Oliver oft-opines that if you can’t say something good 'bout someone — or someone’s best friend — you ought say nothing at all. 'Tis why I'm not saying — but am, rather, thinking — this won’t be the last time that Lexi, an eight-month-old cock-eyed spaniel from Lincolnshire, does something daft like get her head stuck in a decorative garden wall. Again, I'm not verbalizing this notion — that would be uncharitable — but I am of a belief that Lexi has a lifetime of stupid in store for herself: Drinking indiscriminately from open toilet bowls, running headlong into lamp posts and picture windows, humping the daylights out of armchairs and pant legs, attempting to fly like a four-legged, floppy-eared bird, running after motorcars she clearly cannot catch, tearing hopefully — doggedly — into indigestibles like wood, plastic or leather, smelling every nasty arse at the doggy park, chasing her own bloody tail or shadow, ‘round and ‘round she goes, where she’ll stop, no one, not even Lexi, knows. Mind you, I’m not unsympathetic to the predicament that the lovable, incorrigible Lexi has found herself in, but if she were my pooch and managed to get her noggin wedged in a wall and had her picture circulating ‘round the Twitternet™, she’d get a good talking to: “Bloody hell, Alexington, did I not share the Yahoodle™ map of the route and did I not specifically instruct you to stay on said route? When you saw the opening in the old stone wall, did you imagine it was a flap in a back door that you would squeeze through on your way to chasing rainbows?!” To paraphrase the great Faber College® Dean Vernon Wormer, “Stupid is no way to go through life, Lexi.” In any event, as the rest of you face down the morning with hang dog stares into the open mouths of your breakfast-sandwich eating office associates, think of ole' Lexi, who’s fine and well I’m happy to report — thanks to the quick-thinking, chisel-hammering Lincolnshire Fire and Rescue — and is now busily tethering herself tightly to the prickly bush in her backyard.
