Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
"Drei Teuflelinnen die mit der Liebe un dem Leben Spielen!" reads the old picture show poster overlooking the station house break room. "Three fulsome lipped-hipped-and-otherwise-equipped she-devils toy lustily with life" is the approximate translation of the infamous art house offering and we are delighted to have it disgracing our walls. "Die Satansweiber von Tittfield" has long been a summertime video cassette favourite, and for those observant citizens who know such things, we can confirm that, yes, 'tis indeed a foreign printing of one "Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" The hot-panted, tight-sweatered Pussycats are the very same malevolent-minded go-go dancers of the Tittfield saga. As a lawman, Yours Truly Dooley™ is drawn to the harrowing criminal depiction of this police procedural. The tale of Billie, Rosie and ringleader Varla is a cautionary one, to be sure. A case of harmless, if not wholly innocent, intentions gone horribly wrong, and a lesson that if you're going to recklessly spin your sports car 'round and 'round in the desert, you best not mess with locals housing a secret. But, alas, the lasses did come upon a trio of local losers, Tommy, Linda and the lecherous wheel-chaired old man at the gas station and 'twas all downhill from there. A rumor of hidden millions, a trip out to the ramshackle desert homestead for some decidedly unswanky panky and before you can say, "Satansweiber," Billie takes a knife to the stumoch, Rosie retrieves the blade to slice some demented longhair and Varla engages in a hand-to-hand, foot-to-nutsack battle with her former intended until someone or another comes 'round and rams her improperly, which is to say with the grille of a Ram® truck. In the end, 'tis revealed millions were housed under the seat of the wheeled chair, insurance for the dimwitted boy they call Vegetable. There is no moral to this story, only loose morals, bitchslappin', hair tuggin' and shitheel wrasslin' that earned "Pussycat" zero stars upon release. I'm happy to say we'll be screening it on the RCA® VCR — Video Cassette Resuscitator™ — all summer long. Cheerio®, Citizen Cinephiles™.
