The Woodstock Desecration

If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in history — August 15, 1969 — that a three-day “Aquarian Exposition” of “Peace, Music and Limited Toilet Stations” kicked off in Bethel, New York. Also called “Woodstock” — for reasons relating to a diminutive, cartoon bird — the Aquarian Exposition would forever change mankind, transcending human consciousness as decreed by the ancient Astrologian Aquarius, a bare-arsed water boy from Babylonia. The event was organized by one Max Yasgur (pictured here, right), a visionary entertainment promoter — and/or dairy farmer — whose promise to uniformed officials that “not more than 50,000 nude or nearly-nude people" would attend was on the bloody money! Exactly 50,000 ticket-holders passed through the gates onto the pristine grounds — 60,000 if you counted the oncoming onslaught of on-site earth-momma impregnations, which we won’t, as it would be ruinous to Yasgur’s mention in the Guinness Ale™ Record Book. The peace-loving, florally-accented exhibitionists were treated to such mind-blowing spectacles as Jupiter aligning with Mars, the moon finding itself in the Seventh House™ and love-steering stars like Marilyn McCoo, Joan Baez, Sly and the Family Stallone, Swami Satchidananda, Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine and Country Time™ Lemonade Joe and the Swedish Fish® stumbling around on stage as the bad acid took hold and set lists were set aflame. ‘Twas a mystic, crystal revelation! One of harmony and understanding! Sympathy and trust abounding! Helicopters circling overhead and submarine sandwich deliverymen parachuting down to the crowd! They sang of changing the world, if not their mud-caked undergarments, and to the best of their knowledge, they did. Bravo, Citizen Aquarians of '69!