Lonely Hearts Clubbed Bland
If Memory Swerves™, on this day in music history — June 1, 1967 — the mop toppers from Liverpool "went live" with their fake moustaches, colorful military regalia and cheeky alias — The Lonely Hearts Club Band — for the stateside release of their eighth long-play recording, "Sergeant Pepper." No one was fooled, of course — least of all, Yours Truly Dooley™ — but it was good fun that the lads would attempt only one other time in their career, as occupants of the interplanetary ensemble Klaatu. Now comes word that British pop artist Sir Peter Thomas Blake, the bloke responsible for the original Sergeant Pepper album cover, has once again taken it upon himself to rework the bloody artwork. Memorandum to Master Blake: I've witnessed your latest montage — which is to say, hodgepodge — and am not amused. You contend that this unfortunate updating is more fully realized? Bollocks. The original was spot on, a veritable who's-who of recognizable celebrities, from the likes of Shirley Temple to Marilyn Monroe, Lemmy Bruce to Bob Dylan, Marlon Brando to bloody Laurel and Hardy. Brilliantine! This time around you’ve got furniture designer Robin Day? Sorry, never heard of him, never sat on one of his stools. Photographer Martin Parr? Can't picture him. Restauranteur Mr. Chow? Can’t say I’ve sampled his spring rolls. Vidal Sassoon? Well, perhaps, but his disco jeans were dopey and his shampoo overpriced. Agatha Christie, yes, respect to the grande dame of English letters. Elton John and Twiggy? Yes, respect to those dames as well. Elvis Costello? Reluctantly, yes. But Richard Rodgers, architect? No. Gavin Turk, artist? According to who? Painter Bridget Riley? Really?! Wreckless Eric, rock singer and Tommy Steele, singer and actor? Sorry, on what continent and in what era? Alfred Hitchcock, yes, but Robyn Hitchcock? What’s the connection? You’ve got Mick Jagger, David Bowie and Eric Clapton, but no Ringo Starr? Why, exactly? Cross-dressing vase maker Grayson Perry? Explain yourself, sir! The list of unknowns — Alexander McQueen, Mary Quant, Lord Norman Foster? — is there no bloody end to it? As if this meandering assemblage isn’t bad enough, you’ve replaced the Fab Four themselves with your own bloody likeness, along with your large-headed daughter and unpleasant-looking ex-wife. Blasphemy! Sorry mate, but the only reason to mess with the original drawering would have been to sneak in a shot of the original Sergeant Pepper — Police Woman Pepper Anderson. Otherwise, I hope you’ll reconsider this ghastliness, better yet, take Monty Python’s foot—visible in the lower left corner — and stomp on it altogether.
