Paige Turner, Paper Dolly
Today in “Ask An Internet Patrolman®,” Paige Turner, a tee-totaling, bird-watching, arts & crafts hobbyist and doctoral candidate at Kalamazoo College writes, “Dear Constable Dooley: As a second-year associate in the Library of Arts & Letters, I am responsible for pruning periodicals and thesis papers from our graduate stacks. Rather than thoughtlessly discard work into the recyclable bins, I decided to call upon my dress-making experience and put the materials to good use. You can see the results in the attached photo. My question: Do you think it’s possible to be both book smart and...umm, book sexy? Sincerely, Paige Turner.” Delighted to hear from you, lovey. The station house roundly answers your question in the affirmative! Indeed, book sexy is a tradition as timeworn as the cover of your copy of "Ladyship Chatterley's Lover." In olden days, m'dearie, bookish misfits hoping to attract the attention of other lonely mopes merely had to remove their horned-rimmed glasses, pull out a hair clip and let their clumpish split enz fall about their boney shoulders; in short order, some luckless dolt would be scribbling bad poetry, desperately pining for their company. Myself, I never fell for that trick, as I couldn’t get past the deep, eyewear indentations left atop their noses, let alone the askewed eyeballs resulting from the prescription eyewear removal. But not to worry, Paigey, as exceptionally discriminating types such as Yours Truly Dooley® are the bloody exception. I’m happy to report that the odds are stacked—so to speak—in your favor, for surely there is a bookworm in your midst—perhaps one of your bi-gender amenable choir mates at the First Lesbyterian Church—who’ll wish to study the details of your ruffled, above-the-knee design, the stylish fanning about your barely-there bust line and overlapping accordion folds on your bodice. If I may offer an additional suggestion, try enlisting the line, “save a tree, deplete a beaver,” to further entice the eye-ballers on the dating websites. Methinks someone will be Kindle®-ing your fires with Paige-Turnering™ urgency in no time. Good luck and Godspeedo®, coquettish young Citizen Paper Dolly.
