Surely you’ve heard it said there are “two kinds of people in the world.” 'Tis been postulated by numerous know-it-alls over the years. Bushy-browed-and-proud yarn spinner Mark Twain once said, “There are two types of people. People who accomplish things and people who claim to accomplish things." This from someone who had two names — he was born Samuel Clementine, as crossword puzzlers will attest — and whose pen name “Twain” literally means “two.” Hair-sprayed-and-legs-splayed advice columnist Abigail Van Buren — she herself dual-monikered — once observed, “There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who enter a room and say, ‘There you are!’ and those who enter a room and say, ‘Here I am!’” Alas, here I am — Yours Truly Dooley® — to report that the time-worn adage has officially worn out its welcome. After an exhaustive search of the chit-chat rooms and breast-flashing photo booths dotting the Albert "Arnold" Gore Memorial Misinformation Superhighway™, my team of patrolling associates and I have determined that the figure has increased fully a number of 1. ‘Tis why we’re introducing a new e-nitiative at the station house: “The Three Kinds of People In The World™.” Three kinds of men, three kinds of women. Three kinds of teachers and lawyers, doctors and nurses, seed sowers and dope blowers. Whether this effort represents an accomplishment on the order of something Mark Twain would acknowledge, we can’t say. But ‘twill allow us to better keep the citizenry apprised of the split — in triplicate — personalities populating their planet. First on the docket: Brother-in-Laws (pictured). To wit: There are Three Kinds of Brother-in-Laws in the World™: 1) The beer-guzzling approval seeker; 2) The whiskey-chasing loudmouth; 3) The thrice-married, twice-bankrupted, Cheshire Cat-ish conspiracy theorist. Don't say we didn't bloody warn you.
