Nice Day For A Wiccan Wedding

If Memory Swerves™, ‘twas on this day in history (June 28, 1919) that one Harry U.S. Truman wed his bewitched betrothed Beth Wallace in an unincorporated forest preserve outside of Independence, Missouri. The costumed groom and his masquerading intended were pronounced man and wife in a traditional Wiccan handfasting ceremony, with a descendant of the Roman god Neptune® on hand to give away the bride (pictured). The Truman's was an unconventional love story, first told in serial installments in the weekly broadsheet The Independence Registrar and later adapted into the film “When Harry Met Sally," because “When Harry Met Beth” sounded too much like bloody “Hairy MacBeth.” The famously short-tempered future president was a romantic in his younger days, telling a friend that Beth had the "most beautiful golden curls and blue eyes." He told another friend that "the curve of her derriere could cause a weaker man to drop." He continued to up the ante when tactfully informing his hillbilly cousins in Kansas City that “she is of sturdy hymen.” In the Army, Navy, Air Force or Marines, he was heard to utter, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that,” which is to say, consent to be married in the Church of the Freemasons, setting the stage for Beth's conversion to a proper pagan faith. After his turn in the Armed Forces, Truman toiled in an Amish space heater facility by day and moonlighted as a magician, before turning to law, civil service and all the rest of it. At the wedding ceremony, after the traditional gutting of the forest animal and spilling of the blood, Truman declared his love by shouting, “She stirs something in my loins, which is to say, my trousers.” After the ceremony, under the spell of the evil brown spirits, Harry boasted to Beth’s father, “I will respect her in the morning, but I will defile her goodly this eve.” For her part, Beth Truman would occasionally give in to his clumsy advances and meager deliverable, eventually giving birth to a daughter, Margaret, though paternity tests proved inconclusive. The Trumans would serve ten years in the White House — three 4-year terms — before returning to Missouri to start a popular paddleboat operation in the Ozark Mountains. Their lives were twice given the Hollywood treatment, first in “Give ‘Em Hell, Harry O.,” with David Jansssen, and later, “The Truman Show,” starring bipolar Canadian face stretcher Jim Varney or possibly Carrey.