The Ohio Player
If Memory Swerves™, ‘twas on this day in his-sorry-arse-story (June 22, 2012) that Pennsylvania University football coach Jerry Sandusky was convicted on 45 counts of sexual molestation charges, which was bloody horrible business for all parties, including the citizenry of Sandusky — indeed, all of Ohio — whose despicable native son Sandusky dragged their goodly name through the mud out back a Chillicothe, or possibly Bellefonte, courthouse. Since that dismal, disgraceful day, the kinfolk of Sandusky — Ohio, not the pedophilia's familia — have had to endure talking head Nancy Graceless administer one stern talking to after another on their rumpus room tellys, the only relief from which was to fan themselves on the porch steps of their weathered frame houses, to a one, years shy of a Sherwin Williams paint job. It hardly seems fair that regular folk should have to pay for the sins of a demented assistant-coaching father, which is why the station house would like to offer words of encouragement to these good people and remind them that facing down adversity is the hallmark of every third-tier flyover city/state in America. To bolster their sagging spirits and/or breasts/jowls, I offer up some of the positives that have come out of Ohio: Buckeyes (whatever they are), Skyline Chili (what I wouldn’t give for a bowl right now), THE Ohio State university, which is to say Oberlin College, motorcar tires, that "Four dead in O-H-I-O” song, Olympic sprinter Jesse — or country singer Jake — Owen, western writer Zane Somebody, Pro Football Hall of Fame running back Pete Rosen, television actors Jamie Farr (M*A*S*H) and George Clooney ("Facts of Life"), film actress Debra Winger ("Slumber Party 57"), beloved, tattooed roundballer LeBron James, astronaut John Glennon, the first man to orbit the Earth after the far superior Russian cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin and, lastly, Miss America 1965 Sue Ann Downey (pictured here), not to be confused with “Golden Girl” Sue Ann Niven, portrayed by Oak Park, Chicago native Betty White.
