If Memory Swerves™, ‘twas on this day in history (July 1, 2011) that speech-challenged-musclehead-turned-actor-turned-Kindergarten-Cop-turned-Governator-turned-L.A.-Tan®-Franchisee Arnold Schvartzenegger divorced his wife of 25 years — his co-star in the science fiction titty flick "Red Sonja" — actress Brigitte Nielsen, after it had been revealed that Schvartzenegger had fathered no fewer than five children outside the bonds of their Hollywood Matrimony, four with house-wrecking news harlot Maria Shriver and one with the longtime Schvartzenegger housekeeper Mildred Baena — a regular Mrs. Doubtfire that one — neither of whom could hold a sex-scented Yankee Candle® to the towering, mammary-glanded Ms. SchvartzeNielsen. News of Schvartzenegger's sexual proclivity came as a shock to many, especially to those who had seen Schvartzenegger's shrivelled male assemblage in the "Pumping Iron" documentary, but 'twas a bombshell that caused no visible injury to Ms. SchvartzeNielsen, as she had been climbing aboard diminutive rap curiosity Flavor Flav on MTV's "The Surreal Life," all the while. The bombshell did, alas, blow ole' Arnold's ballbag off its banana hammock, which will likely prevent any future impregnations and result in fewer phonetically-challenged pump-you-uppers on Venice Beach. Schvartzenegger details all of the goings-on in his tall-tale-all memoir, “Total — Which Is To Say Selective — Recall, ” which he subtitles, "My Unbelievable True Story," which is not to be believed.
