The Original TED Talker

Stop The World (Wide Web), I Want Them To Get Off™: The legion of TEDious TED talkers and stage stalkers living in the mile-high shadow of the great, ghoulish Citizen Undead Orator™ TED Cassidy, founder of the eponymous lecture series that bears his name. A towering concert harpsichordist and onetime associate of monied, madcap cryogenicist Gomez Addams, the otherwise tight-lipped Cassidy was an unlikely storyteller who began his TED® Talks as something of a lark after discovering his knack for regaling harpsichord audiences between songs with his tall tales on positivity, mindfulness and Radical Careering®. One querying catchphrase later — "You Rang?" — and TED had the corporate dullards and technology nitwits shelling out money for a velveteen seat and lining up for a photo opportunity next to the gentle giant. 'Twas all good fun for Cassidy until the over-caffeinaTED showrunners grabbed the reigns and began licensing the property to every community center with a plank stage and videographer to record the goings on. Alas, the next batch of constipaTED chatterboxes didn't qualify as authorities on anything other than arm waving, headset adjusting and laser-beam pointing, all of it captured on low resolution video and passed around the nascent Albert "Al" Gore Memorial Information Superhighway™ like a ballbag rash at sports camp. Today, the once vital, freewheelin' TED Talks have plummeted to their present state of TEDium, taking their place alongside other shameful TEDs throughout history — loathsome sorority eviscerator TED Bundy, plaid-jacketed news knucklehead TED Knight, million dollar wrasslin' meathead TED DiBiasi, mustachioed pina colada pourer TED Lange, draft-dodging, serial embarrassor TED Nugent and makeshift timebomb mailer and the hoodied pride of Evergreen Park, Illinois TED Kacyznski — take your bloody pick. 'Tis no surprise no one names their children TED anymore, but 'tis a wonder the bloviaTED imitators of the inimitable TED Cassidy still manage to find an audience, something we endeavor to put a stop to. As another legendarily massive orator not-named-TED once said, “One more word out of you and you go!”