Unlocking Loch Ness
Random Memorandum™ to Glasgow paleontologist Neil Clark: As a uniformed police official charged with patrolling the vast and serpentine Misinformation Superhighway™ — the Twitternet™, as trademarked by Arnold "Alf" Gore, inventor — my investigative work runs the bloody gamut, from celebrity "citings" to chatroom infighting, from digital fingerprint dusting to epic myth busting. Which brings me to your posted research report regarding the legendary monster of Loch Ness. I have done my due diligence — which is to say, I've skimmed an anonymously sourced Wikipedia page regarding the animal science involved — and I have thoughtfully considered the merits of your findings. With all respect due, "Dr." (but-not-of-medicine) Clark, your contention that "Nessie" is actually the periscoping trunk of a paddling pachyderm is an interesting theorem, but bollocks all the bloody same. One needn’t be a Ringling Brother® to know that elephants are born circus performers. Whether standing on one leg under the direction of a ring taskmaster or ambling down a sweltering hot parade route alongside juggling clowns, these gentle giants thrive in captivity — which is to say ON LAND — where they are rewarded for their elephantine antics with mountains of salty snacks. Why would a card-carrying union elephant go swimming in a frigid Scottish lake, when he could be gobbling peanuts under the warmth of a countryside big top? You may be schooled in the science of paleontology, sir, but you are the victim of a skillful, illustrative ruse. Please re-submit your findings or you will be cited by a deputy member of the station house team. Yours Truly, Internet Patrolman Doyle "Dooley" Johns.
Random Memorandum™ to Glasgow paleontologist Neil Clark: As a uniformed police official charged with patrolling the vast and serpentine Misinformation Superhighway™ — the Twitternet™, as trademarked by Arnold "Alf" Gore, inventor — my investigative work runs the bloody gamut, from celebrity "citings" to chatroom infighting, from digital fingerprint dusting to epic myth busting. Which brings me to your posted research report regarding the legendary monster of Loch Ness. I have done my due diligence — which is to say, I've skimmed an anonymously sourced Wikipedia page regarding the animal science involved — and I have thoughtfully considered the merits of your findings. With all respect due, "Dr." (but-not-of-medicine) Clark, your contention that "Nessie" is actually the periscoping trunk of a paddling pachyderm is an interesting theorem, but bollocks all the bloody same. One needn’t be a Ringling Brother® to know that elephants are born circus performers. Whether standing on one leg under the direction of a ring taskmaster or ambling down a sweltering hot parade route alongside juggling clowns, these gentle giants thrive in captivity — which is to say ON LAND — where they are rewarded for their elephantine antics with mountains of salty snacks. Why would a card-carrying union elephant go swimming in a frigid Scottish lake, when he could be gobbling peanuts under the warmth of a countryside big top? You may be schooled in the science of paleontology, sir, but you are the victim of a skillful, illustrative ruse. Please re-submit your findings or you will be cited by a deputy member of the station house team. Yours Truly, Internet Patrolman Doyle "Dooley" Johns.