Joan Us, Brother

If Memory Swerves™, on this day in history (May 23, 1431), religious rabble rouser Joan of Arc was captured by Burgundian troops — whoever they bloody were — and delivered to the British, who later burned her at the stake for heresy or something. But that’s old news, everyone makes mistakes and besides, another Joan is in the revisionist history books today! Light a birthday candle for British starlet Joan Collins, born May 23, 1933 in Paddington. As any red-blooded male between the ages of 56 and 102 will attest, Joanie is sex appeal personified — which is to say, she’s a person of sexified appeal! Joan's been turning heads since she first tightened her bustier and took to the stage at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London. After heading for Hollywood, Joan appeared in a number of dopey movies in the 50’s and 60’s — “Lady Godiva Rides (Bare Arsed) Again,” “Rally ‘Round the Flag, Boys,” blah, blah, blah — as well the usual backlot Western television fare of the era — “The Virginian,” “The South Carolinan” — before her breakout performance as Alexis Colby, first wife of John Cameron Forsythe on the nighttime soap opera “Dynasty,” where she famously wrassled Grecian Maestro Yanni Chryssomallis’s wife Lynda Evans in the fountain out front the mansion. Today, Joan is still making heart pacemakers go pitter patter, whether on stage or via her steamy paperbacks. That’s right, the method starlet followed in the high-heeled footsteps of auteur sister Jackie Collins, penning salacious novels such as “Love & Desire & Hate,” “Scandal” and “Ravenous” — or perhaps those are the names of her perfumes. (Haha!) Married and divorced 4 times, Joanie is now living with husband number five, who's presumably seen the Playboy® pictorial from the 80's that one hopes remains on file at the station house. Happy Day, your ladyship!