Amen-ities

We begin this week with a prayer: Dear Lorde™, concentrate on making life better for me alone today. Act as a genie — or rather, Jeannie® — on my behalf and grant me untold wishes. Ignore the pleas of others whose troubles appear greater than mine, for their burdens are not my problem. Worry about the rest of humanity tomorrow — or possibly next week — after you’ve had adequate time to devote to my needs. And when I say “needs,” Lorde and Savior, I don’t mean in a spiritual sense, for that’s your realm, Citizen Spirit Master™. My needs are more concrete, such as desiring a new motorcar, vacation home or limitless supply of Milk Bone® Bakery Biscuits for our ball-less best friend Bloomfield. Lastly, my Lordeship, free me from the bonds of humility, selflessness and forgiveness. Do not cause me to consider how I might share my blessings with others. Help me keep the focus on the Holy Trinity of me, myself and Irene. I ask this in the name of the Father, the Sun and the Holy, Ghostly Roman Empire. Amen, which is to say, Yours Truly, Internet Patrolman Dooley™.