Rom® Jeans
Today in "Ask an Internet Patrolman™," jelly-haired, denim-bottomed, hard-charging U.S. Centaur Milton "Wilt" Romney weighs in with enthusiasm and with what may eventually become a question: "Love is in the air, Ambassador Dooley! What a many splendored thing love is! I love my country! I love my family! I love the invented prophecy of my magic religion! I love the central tenet that says I can "man up" with multiple wives — adoring Mrs. Romneys all! — conceiving as many strapping boys as my blue-pilled prescription will allow. I love hard-fought tennis on the home court and tall glasses of sun-steeped lemonade afterwards! I love the innocence of a Troy Donahue matinee — Sandra Dee, be still my heart — the boy-next-door appeal of Pat Boone records and the other-wordly prose of L. Ron Hubbard. I love my Utah Jazz, but — strangely enough — not jazz music — too untethered! I'm a car nut, I love the road-tested luxury of a Cadillac. I'm a foodie, I love the endless shrimp at Red Lobster® and the fruit goodness in real Fruit Roll-Ups®. I love to drench State Fair corn dogs with spicy mustard and fellate them hungrily. I love Peaches 'n Cream — not "impeaches," for the love of Brigham Young — Georgia peaches! — toppled with brown sugar, baked and swimming in vanilla iced cream! I love flying first class and collecting the little pilot wings the stews hand out. I love tandem cycling on a bicycle built for two! I love reaching out and helping those less fortunate than I — and asking them for their vote, haha! — and reminding them that God — which is to say, Brigham Young — helps those who help themselves! I love welcoming bilinguals, biracials and non-practicing bisexuals under this big political tent! I love the hustle here in DC — which is why I love the loose, easy fit of my over-the-hip Sedgefield® blue jeans! You might think the Sedgefield brand had disappeared from the blue jean landscape, but you'd be wrong, sir! I am in possession of a warehouse the size of an offshore Bahamian holding company filled with Sedgefield jeans — tags and all — which I purchased in a "beveraged buyout," where we plied the jeanmaker with distilled spirits and got him to sign his life away for a song. (Haha!) All of which brings me — finally! — to my question: I'm considering hiring a team of Amish tailors to do some rudimentary restyling of the jeans — tapering the flair, sewing in the labels — while also enlisting the creative services of advertising chieftain Leo Burnett to introduce the new brand: Rom® Jeans! (And Rom® Jean Shorts!) The slogan: 'Rom® Jeans. They're not just for Mom anymore!' My question, Internet Ambassador Dooley: Do you see an online audience for these high-waisted fashion statements?" Dear Mitch: While your enthusiasm is as curious as your many nicknames, I'm of a mind to "green light" this endeavor — as the equity arsewipes would have it — if for no other reason to avoid your brain seizing up and watching you take your death of a massive stroke, leaving your seven or eight male offspring without a father. In any event, we're dangerously close to exceeding our allotted word count, so I'll ask you to zip up your non-flame retardant Sedgefields, slick back your oil mane and go about your business with gusto. Jeers™!! Yours Truly, Constable Dooley."
