Ewing, Oiled

If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in history — March 21, 1980 — that inebriated, which is to say, annhilated, American oil scion John Ross “J.R.” Ewing was shot, resulting in a near calamitous drop in the price of Ewing Oil® stock, which in turn generated consumers fears over oil shortages, leading to long lines at petrol station pumps, even for motorists who were just stopping in for directions or to use the toilet or pick up a Slim Jim® meat stick and Yoohoo™ chocolate-flavored drink. The police manhunt for J.R.’s gunman exceeded that which followed the other infamous Dallas shooting, the tragic killing of President John F. Kennedy, and dopey Americans were held captive by the unending media coverage and street vendors hawking poorly typeset t-shirts emblazoned with “Who Shot J.R.?” The answer would come eight or nine months later, on November 21, with the gunman turning out to be a gun gal: Mary Crosby, a sometime actress and full-time mistress of the amoral Mr. Ewing was found in possession of the Smoking “no relation to the website” Gun. Complicating matters was the fact that Crosby was Ewing’s sister-in-law, which couldn’t have made his wife, former Miss Texas pageant queen Sue Ellen Shepard, or mother Barbara Bel Geddes, very happy, and likely led to all sorts of seating issues at family dinner gatherings. Crosby was also the daughter of child-shamer and orange juice spokesman Bing Crosby, golfer to the stars. Assisting in the arrest of Ms. Crosby was karate-chopping conspiracy theorist Walker Texas Ranger.