Let's Get This Party Started!

If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in history — March 20, 1854 — that the GOP of the U-S-of-A-men was organized in Ripon, Wisconsin, an otherwise humble dot on the glove box Rand® still referred to as "Grande Ole' Party Central" by proud locals. The shindig was said to be a spur of the moment sort of thing, with two hung-over landowners from the north side of the tracks ringing a couple private equity arsewipes from the south to see if they were interested in pooling their monies and resources — half-drunk ale keggers, leftover beef jerky and weeks-old cheese wheels — for a party to celebrate the verbal equinox or something. As they talked over the crackling telecom wires — the telephone wasn't invented until 1876, but let's not quibble — they began to envision something bigger than the usual mid-century dust-up, rather, an affair that would find right-minded revelers gathering together to have their slurred voices heard for the good of the “republic” — every know-it-all from across the state, maybe even some funny talkers from up in Minnesota and a few flatheads from down there in Illinois — excepting Chicago, that was Al Capone territory — they'd all come together for a “big tent party” — a “real publican party” — no “naggers” — nagging spouses, one trusts — just honest-to-goodness, non-kosher-salt-of-the-earth types who all agreed the country was goin' to hell in a hand-sewn basket and what the citizenry needed was flag-wavin' camaraderie, healthy doses of medicinal barley and robust speechifying of the sort that Wm. Maplethorpe O’Reilly administered nightly at the No Spin Saloon. And so ‘twas. The party was said to be a real barnburner, back in a time when barns really did burn down, especially if things got outta hand and farm hands commenced to torching the methane releases of unsuspecting dairy cows. Alrighty almighty then! On our next trek down the rabbit hole of history, we’ll visit the birth of the "Democratic" Party®, an earnest, if insufferable, collective not unlike the Ripon-Roarin' "Republican" Party, only with more gender confusion, beverage pretension, lactose intolerance, lumberjack beards, nostril piercings, bleeding hearts, artichoke hearts and other organically-harvested vegan fare, which is to say, marijuana.