Salty Talk

Savory snacking is not taken lightly — nor politely — at the station house. Indeed, if I am to properly reward myself with salty sustenance, it will be on my terms! I don’t give a bloody damn what anyone — not Graham nor Gordon Ramsay nor Paulette-bless-her-overworked-heart-Dean — has to say about traditional chips, baked chips, ruffled chips, popped chips and kettle-cooked chips. Spare me the tall tales of the culinary pleasurings of flatbread crisps, pretzel crisps, potato puffs, potato rings, potato sticks or stackable crisps. I am not a Spaniard, I will not eat taco chips and salsa. Ditto pita chips and bagel chips as I am not a banana-hammocked Grecian, a slender, smooth-skinned Indian or unwashed Soho hipster. Mention gluten-free chips in my company and you’ll get a police-issued boot up the arse. Am I making myself clear? There is but one chip that passes muster — as opposed to mustard, which is a pretzelman's condiment — with the palette of Yours Truly Dooley®. I've sampled countless challenger chips across the “savory spectrum” — as the marketing nitwits would have it — and I'm not having any of it! Frito Lays, Frito Jays, Jones, Tim's, Martin's, Krunchers, Herrs and Zapp’s? Call me unimpressed. If I want oil in my diet, I’ll drink Coppertone® tanning fluid. Pringles, Utz, Miss Vickies, Old Dutch, Cape Cod, Tryor Farms, Boulder Canyon, Dan Dee and Vitners? Maybe in the next snacking lifetime. English also-rans like Wotsits, Quavers, Skips and Hula Hoops? Sorry, Charlie McCarthy. Not on my table, not on my watch! The one potato chip that satisfies my every snacking desire is the very definition of savory. Salty and scrumptious, it isn’t celebrity-touted or Food Channel-approved. 'Tis the prodigal potato chip! Alive and well, back on the shelf and in my belly. The only savory snacking brand worthy of the registrar marking: O’Boisies® brand potato crisps. O’Boisies are O’Boisterous™! Bloody well right they are!