Random Memorandum™ to Brazilian string-picker Gaspar Muntwyler, pint-sized appropriator of Swedish hair metal legend Yngwie J. Malmsteen: (Translated from Porch-a-geese, official Indo-European gibberish speak of a-moral sun-devils): Listen here, you thieving cock knocker. A pirate shirt, a handful of frenzied fret moves and a few odd Youtube™ video postings do not a guitar hero make. Whilst 'twould appear you've taken the requisite lessons in scales and the like, to the ears of this Internet Patrolman (IP), your playing style has about as much nuance as a bathtub Mojito. Let us not mince words, nor meats in succulent minced meat pie, Muntwyler: Yngwie Malmsteen eats jerkwads like you for Swedish breakfast — lutefisk and eggs over easy — and methinks you'd be Dooley Advised™ to ditch the guitar and open a taco truck or something. Park it next to the beach where you can strut around in a banana hammock with the rest of the douchebagalo nation of Brazil. On behalf of Yngwie Johan Malmsteen fans everywhere, kindly redirect the burro you road in on directly back out of town, Gaspar Muntwyler. Yours Truly, Constable Dooley.
