With This Ripcord, I Thee Wed

If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in his-and-her-story — August 27, 1940 — that the first parachute wedding was performed, and if you’re anything like me — of strong character, cast-iron constitution and elevated testosterone — you’re probably thinking, “The FIRST parachute wedding? Have there been others?” That's a good question — next time, entertain us with an answer, as I don't bloody know. What I do know is that the first para-nuptials were conducted at the New York City World’s Fair, with minister, bride and groom, best man, maid of honor, wedding videographer, Wurlitzer® organ grinder and monkey all suspended from parachutes and Rev. Homer Tomlinson attempting to steady the swaying airborne groom Arno Rudolphi and his intended Ann Hayward as they attempted to slip rings onto one another's fingers as signs of their love and commitment, forsaking all others — if by "forsaking" you mean "lusting after." Now, if you’re like me — headstrong, whip-smart and bi-curious — you’re probably thinking, "were Arno and Ann members of the bloody Flying Wallendas or Swiss mountain climbing hobbyists or deep sea snorkelers, in other words, daredevils of the sort you see on dopey television shows like 'American Ninja'? Or was this mid-air matrimony the work of an early Bridezilla, a she-devil who got it her head that she’d be wed "descending to the ground in a white fucking parachute, no matter what your goddamn mother thinks, we either get married in the parachutes or there won't be a wedding, you can go back to the matrimonial suite and have your way with your own goddamn self.” Who can bloody say? If there's one thing I've learned in my official police capacity patrolling the Albert Gore Memorial Information Superhighway it's that people are going to do what they do and if they “do it” without a proper — which is to say, Trojan® brand — prophylactic, they will surely birth the next generation of imbeciles who will carry out their own idiotic stunts with glee. In any event, one hopes that Mister and Missus Rudolphi’s union withstood the test of time and gravity and that the two lived happily ever after, until death by parachute failure did they part.