This Charming Man

If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in history (August 17, 1998) that boyish and bejeweled beefcake-in-chief William Jefferson Davis Clinton regaled a group of wide-eyed puritans with tales of sexual gymnastica never before heard in political quarters. The group — an assemblage of loose-skinned self-pleasurers called the Office of Independent Council® — was treated to a no-folds-barred kiss-and-tell from the man they called “The Penetrator” back at Masters & Johnson Technical College.™ Clinton, a former sex therapist, left nothing to the imagination as he described such devilish acts of congress as the "The Smile Driver," "The Brownsville Playstation” and "The Arkansaw Pud Crawl," which may or may not have involved the presence of a willing amphibian. 'Twas equal parts Q&A and T&A, as the tantric chieftain mesmerized the blue-balled red-staters with detailed accounts of his endless prowess administering to "governed mental bodies" who were not his married missus. After the presentation, pant-stained council leader Kenneth Starrf*cker and his team were treated to goodie bags from Kama Sutra® Lotions, Lubricants & Medieval Devices, a company that Clinton started with his hapless brotherer Rogerer. Alas, the nation's 42nd and 43rd President wasn’t nearly so forthcoming on the telly the following eve, when he shook his feathered hairdo, pointed his finger-banger at the camera and said, “I did not have labial relations with that woman from the Arsenio Hall Show."