Channeling Johnny Weismuller

As I Underhand It™, on this day in history — August 25, 1875 — the English Channel that wasn’t the BBC® was successfully navigated by a swimmer who wasn’t Johnny Weissmuller. The twenty-something mile waterway dividing the sovereign nations of Brittania and Franz was crossed by a 27-year-old merchant marine from Shropshire named Matthew Webb — grandfather of the famed, future American lunch-counter restaurateur George Webb®, inventor of the Patty Melt™. The Citizen Seamen™ — who'd failed in an earlier attempt that month — purposefully or possibly porpoisefully — slathered himself in fish fat for insulation and set course late in the evening of August 24 in a quasi, commando-style loin covering — buns up and feet paddlin'! He was accompanied by a row boat, with a proper butler aboard serving him biscuits and beef tea to sustain him as he went about his paces, dodging jellyfish and periscoping German U-Boats! Webb — the swimmer, not the famed diner proprietor — was hailed as a national hero, though his cadet mates remembered him as a graceless plodder, but plod he did, completing the course in 21 hours and 45 minutes. Since Webb’s heroics — in the waterway, not the kitchen, artfully melting cheese atop a toasted meat sandwich — there has been a steady stream of swimmers traversing the passage — over 2,000 at last count, the oldest being in his 70s, the youngest 11, and in-between, all manner of relay teams, free-stylers, back-strokers, breast-strokers, horse jockeys, carnival operators and golf caddies. Today, in the summer months, the English Channel resembles a bloody water park, with dolphin rides, jet ski races and brazen, sea-breezin' Match dotcom couples copulating atop pontoon flotillas. For all I know they dump bloody chlorine in the water! But on this day 140 years ago, it was one man on a mission. One man who wasn’t Olympic Champion Johnny Weissmuller, a virile and dexterous creature who once swung from tree limb to tree limb, impregnating females of various species with great ferocity, only to be plucked from jungle obscurity to win a Blue Ribbon. You can argue that today’s day is Matthew Webb’s, but there can be no disagreement that a Patty Melt is a delicious change of pace from a traditional cheese hamburger, nor that Johnny Weissmuller (pictured here, gracefully cutting through the water) was the greatest swimmer of all time, dope-blowing Michael Phelps be bloody damned.