Preys Be To God

We begin this week with a prayer: Dear Lorde™, in the name of all that is holy, strike my enemies dead today. Be it by “Act of God®” — lightning bolt, animal attack, Eucharist choking — or by human hands — switchblade stabbing, karate chop, autoerotic asphyxiation — ensure that their deaths are painful, sending a message to those who might cross my path again. Also, Dear Merciful Lorde, extinguish the beating hearts of foodies, wine-tards, digital marketing gurus, helmeted adult bicyclists, dog walkers on cell phones, improvisational comedic actors and instructors of any kind — especially those on the side stages of Chicago’s Second City® — smirking boy physician Douglas Houser M.D., crap-encrusted draft-dodger Ted Nugent and the entirety of the Kardashian family, with the exception of Olympic decathlete Bruce "Caitlyn" Jenner, who seems to have suffered enough; also, forever silence anyone in attendance at a professional golf outing who exclaims “it’s in the hole” — when it clearly isn’t. Bring all of their lives to swift and sudden end, oh Lorde, permanently disengaging their Twitter® accounts and Wikipedia™ pages. I ask this in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghostly Roman Empire. Amen.