You Can't Spell "Carpenter" Without "Carter"

Today in Side-Gigging, Do-Gooding U.S. Presidential History™ (January 22, 1977), Foreman-in-Chief Jiminy Carter — with lust in his heart, a tear in his eye, a gleam in his smile, a plug of Red Man® chaw in his jaw, a pack of Black Jack® gum in his overalls, a Bible™ in his toolbox, a Craftsman® hammer in his toolbelt, masonry nails in his mouth, starch in his dry-cleaned Carhartt®, a knot in his neckerchief, a careful bend in the brim of his cap, a light dusting of AquaNet® in his feathered hair, a penny in his loafers, a peanut butter sandwich in his lunch pail, a flexi-straw in his milk glass, an approval rating in the job site toilet and a Fred Rogers’ earnestness in his demeanor — issued a pardon to the nation’s Vietnam War draft evaders. ‘Twas an act that some — such as impish, friendless, 15-year old crybaby Sean Hannity, fresh off his umpteenth schoolyard beating — saw as evidence of cowardice, though tell that to the 20-something males who thought they’d be living out their dying days in bloody Canada, the coldest, most barren land this side of Siberia, unless you were fortunate enough to be canoodling under the covers with one of the Heart sisters. Also on this day in history, Italy legalized abortion. I’d like to deduce/invent a connection — the War on Birth? — but will leave Blaze® TV conspiratorialist Glenn Lee Beck to draw, or rather, venn diagram his own inconclusions.