Frostbite is no laughing matter. You mock the space-heating, cherry wood cabinetry-making skills of the Holmes County Mennonites at your own bloody peril. I have it on good authority—which is to say that I’ve felt a warmish glow of “heat” emanating from our very own Hot Pockets brand “fire-like place” at the station house—and confirm that these space age contraptions defy the laws of science, if not the laws of Judge Judy herself, and that the LED Fireless Flame will heat a pocket of air faster than you can recite the Mennonite hymnal, “Jesus Built My Horse Buggy.” If you hope to survive the inclemencies of the Polar Gore-Tex, you would be Dooley Advised to get thee to the nearest furniture barn to look for the Good-and-God-Fearing Housekeeping Seal of Approval, “As Advertised On The Telly,” and prepare for an ostensible warming of no less than two to three cockles.
