Jesus H. Loggins

Random Holiday Memorandum to our beloved Lorde and Savior, Columbia Recording Artist Kenny Loggins: A blessed Christmas Eve to you, Son of Man! I’ll confess that lighting upon your bearded and beckoning visage in a “suggested posting” took me by great surprise. In all the years I followed the exhilarating middle-highs and plummeting lows of your AM radio career, I never imagined that you were, in actuality, the Son of God himself, Jesus Christ. As my father—the late RAF flying ace Aldridge “AJ” Johns would have said—sod a one-legged dog! The Kingpin of 70’s Soundtracks is the King of the Jews! One hopes you are something of a forgiving Lorde, willing to overlook my transgressional opinions of your ponce rock offerings over the years, as I cannot deny that long ago my Hendon Academy police mates and I derided “Winnie the Pooh Bear’s House on the Corner,” jeered the Islamic yachting ode, “Va-Heave-Allah,” and mocked the working man’s call-to-arms-legs-and-feet, “Footloose and Fancy Free.” That being well said, we later found ourselves in your corner, tapping our toes to the music video sing-a-long “I’m (Reasonably) Alright,” featuring that rascally “Caddyshack” chipmunk and cheered when you and sidekick Jimmy Messina demanded, “Outta the car long hair! You’re coming with me! The local police!” Oowee! Then again, as an all-knowing Messiah, you should have known better than to leave the mother of your children to take up with a Goddamned—or rather, Kenny Loggins-damned— colonic therapist and co-pen 1997’s unimaginably embarrassing “The Unimaginable Life,” but we all make mistakes—even you, Almighty God—yours a doozy worthy of the exclamation, “Jesus Howard Christ!” In any event, we extend our best wishes on the anniversary of your birth, Citizen Savior. May your eternal spirit guide us in the coming New Year and your “Greatest Hits” cassette tape recording find its way into car stereos and proper boom box players ‘round the globe.