Today introduces a new station house initiative—”Presumably A Pedophile”—with a look at the curious case of the seemingly harmless—top-hatted—Oxford mathematics professor, Charles Lutwidge Dodson, who on this day in history, December 4, 1864, presented young Alice Littrell—daughter of the Christ Church college dean—a handwritten, illustrated manuscript entitled “Alice’s Restaurant” or something. And ‘twasn’t even her birthday! The document would later become the basis for the after-school special “Go Ask Alice,” which itself inspired the theme of the now grounded Jefferson Airlines, but let’s save that imagined story for another time. On the docket is not a supposition of what the university “dorm mouse” said, but rather what the facts—and/or harmful presumption—tell us about Master Dodson. To wit: An overly tidy, unmarried college smartypants befriends—not the comely coeds swooning over his meandering, rhyme-less poetry, but rather—the wife and children of the bloody headmaster and before you can say, “one pillow makes you larger,” he’s hosting tea parties in the park and regaling the privileged offspring with stories of a wee lass who falls through a restaurant's floorboards into a magical world of Mad Hatters and Hairy Potters. Dodson would deceitfully invent a pen de plume to avoid any tracking of his life history on the search engine of the era, the Encyclopædia Britannica, so when his handiwork was finally published as “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland”—credited to one Lewis Carroll—the conspiratorialists were unable to dig up any dirt on the scribe, allowing Charles Lutwidge Dodson to carry on unchecked until now, as this cold case file has been officially reopened, teapot back on the burner, as ‘twere, and if any untoward activity is discovered in, on or “through the looking glass,” know that Humpty Dumpty won’t be the only buggerer suffering a great fall. Stick that in your towering mad hat, Master Dodson and/or Carroll!
