Random Memorandum to Mother Mary Angelica of the Annunciation: A blessed— which is to say, cloistered and contemplative —day to you, your Holiness. We at the station house applaud your goodly works and are ever mindful of your prayerful pursuits. Indeed, we often light on your Eternal Word Television Network streams— albeit briefly, with some amusement —before settling in with a Dick Van Dyke Show Youtube marathon, featuring our beloved Morrie Amsterdam. That said, Mother Angelica, ‘tis my duty to inform you that your raging desire to exact punishment on the sinful appears to have clearly crossed the saintly/secular line that divides our church and state. As a uniformed official charged with patrolling the vast and serpentine Arnold “Al” Gore Misinformation Superhighway, ‘tis I who have dominion over evildoers in cyberspace, such as social media marketers, Spotify record executives and news aggravator Arianna Hufnstuf. However well-intentioned the intensity of your “messaging”—as the marketing dopes would have it—your trademark “balling of the fist” at the lawless in our midst undermines my authority. With all respect due, Citizen Sisterhooded, you would be Dooley Advised to seize and resist threats of corporal punishment, keeping your mitts under cover of layered garmentry, for the counting of beaded rosaries, one supposes. Allow our police brethren on terra firma to properly beat villains about the head, neck and nadsack, whilst you stick to the hellfire and brimstone business we so enjoy. Respectfully Yours Truly, Constable Doyle “Dooley” Johns, Internet Patrolman (IP).
