As I Underhand It, 'twas on this day in history, December 6, 1863, that a roof-building religious sect from Down Yonder—the “men in white” tighties, aka., the “Mennonites” completed their virginal, cross-continental voyage to the US, landing on the shores of Philadelphia Freedom, PA with full bladder and goodly intent. The bearded, top-hatted hammer-and-nail-pounders arrived at the request of hotelier William Penn, with matronly women and blue-eyed spawn in tow. Also in their carpenter’s bag of tricks was a trademarked foodstuff—a brewers
yeast extract blended with ingredients like celery salt, onion salt and saltine crackers, eponymously named “Mennonite”—later renamed “Vegemite,” under the instruction of famed advert copywriter Lee O. Burnett of the James Walter Thompson Agency. Said to be the richest source on earth of something called “Vitamin B” as well as “Salt,” Vegemite
would become a staple in Aussie American family diets, second only to pickled eggs and “soured
kraut,” even becoming as popular as Crocodile Dundee and journalist girlfriend Linda Kozlowski
herself. The god-fearing, Craftsman tool-carrying, Vegemite sandwich-eating Mennonites would
assimilate easily outside of their Pennsylvania environs, particularly in wind-powered, WiFi-less
states such as Ohio and Indiana—and have had their stories depicted in films such as “Witless,”
starring Womennonite Kelly McGillis and now-banished outbacker Mel Gibson or possibly
Harrison Ford. Bravo, Citizens Sorta Amish! Pass the bloody white bread!
