Santa's Baby

Halt! Hold it right there, tartan-resplendent Young Citizen Defiant™! Your brazen display of contempt for holly, jolly St. Nicholas Tremulis® is beyond the pale and I will not have it on my watch! Just who in blue blazes do you think has been responsible for the affectionate abundance showered on Christian and progressive-parented Jewish children these centuries past? 'Twasn’t the bloody Easter Bunny™, I assure you. If you’re looking for someone to lash out at, start with dear old dad, who promised mum that he’d join you both for the family trip to the shopping mall, but opted instead for a couple scoops at the pub with his bubbly office “associate.” Of course, your mum’s reaction to dad's absence surely hasn't helped matters any. Muttering “that muther trucker is not getting away with this” and flipping off Santy’s elves for directing her not to cut in the queue hasn't exactly set your mind at ease. Alas, we all must take responsibility for our actions and your public disrespecting of Santy Christ® will not be tolerated. So as that lone tear brims in your eye and you prepare to direct your first “swear" at this bearded, bespectacled, red-suited stranger, we suggest that you count your blessings on your stubby fingers, wipe that scowl from your otherwise unlined face and get on with the business of being merry!