If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in sporting history — November 8, 1970 — whilst showboating, soccer-style place-kickers from Norway were charming the stretch pants off the hair-sprayed microphone twirlers on the sidelines — a “straight-on” American kicker named Tom Dempsey split the uprights from 63 yards away, setting an NFL® record that stood for nearly half a century. Dempsey’s kick — boot, if you will — in the game’s final seconds, gave his New Orleans Saints a 19-17 victory over the Detroit Lions, but even more remarkable is the fact that Dempsey, son of bare-knuckled brawler Jack Dempsey, did so handicapped — born deaf, blind and without toes on his right (kicking) foot and no bloody fingers on his right hand, he wore a modified shoe with a flattened front that allowed him to connect squarely with a football head-on. The snap holder would signal the start of the play with a type of dog whistle, whose ultrasonic pitch alerted Dempsey to approach the ball; sometimes he would connect with the ball, other times he would misjudge his paces and plow headlong into the line or perhaps kick the placeholder in the helmet. But on this day, he was heroically on point and bully for him! Alas, controversy would eventually follow — as it does everywhere when anything good happens — for some arsewipes thought the “club-like” shoe gave Dempsey an advantage, while others protested that the dog whistle couldn't be heard by the opposing team. Even though subsequent tests — on the shoe, not the whistle, as that part of the controversy was swept under the rug like so much NFL-branded cocaine — proved that the smaller contact area of Dempsey's shoe may have actually increased the margin for error, the NFL, in all their inglorious wisdom, opted to add the "The Tom Dempsey Rule" to their dopey, voluminous rule book, which stated — and I’m not making this up — “Any shoe that is worn by a player with an artificial limb on his kicking leg must have a kicking surface that conforms to that of a normal kicking shoe.” One hopes that whomever was associated with this ruling is properly burning in hell for it, as I cannot imagine a more loathsome decision. In any event, 'twas also on this day in history — the very same day — that easy-riding, chemically-overstuffed nitwit Dennis Hopper divorced malnourished songbird Michele Phillips after only 8 days of marriage, which goes to show that you can go the distance with half a foot, but you won’t get very far with half a bloody brain.
