The Legend of Clementine Titslinger

If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in history — November 9, 1914 — that Holy Toledo, Ohio™ seamstress Clementine Titslinger patented the first modern "Breast Raising Apparatus" — or "BRA" — and if you don't bloody believe me, you can look — or rather hook — it up yourself. Ms. Titslinger constructed her conjoined "breast baskets" as an alternative to the restrictive corsets of the day, which flattened and jammed a ladybird's outermost pleasantries into an uncomfortable and altogether undesirable mono-bosom. Necessity being the motherlode of invention, Titslinger fashioned together two silken handkerchiefs with pink ribbon and faster than her clawing suitors could say "Clementine Titslinger"— pictured here in a leopard print Titslinger® with matching giant underpanties — she was off to the races or possibly the Debutantes’ Ball. Her device — nicknamed the "Marriage Carriage™" — quickly became the rage among her husband-seeking galfriends, but also served to enrage fathers who were fearful all that "hoisting and separating" of their daughter’s Mallomar® glands would lead to no good. As it happened, Ms. Titslinger would sell the rights to her lacy wonder cups to a textile company, securing a tidy sum for herself, all for a bit of cloth coverage that would become a staple in every woman's wardrobe and, alas, an object of fascination for heterogenous males everywhere, particularly those wankers I see trolling on Stumblr™, where there is no shortage of the underwire encagement apparatus on — and off — display. Today we honor the titular Ms. Clementine Titslinger. Bravo, Citizen Support Team Leader™.