The Kid And The Kaboodles

Happy Anni-hearse-ary™ to professional middle finger flipper Robert “Kid Rock” Ritchie and human flotation device Pamela Sue Martin-Anderson, whose marriage died on this day November 29, 2006. It was just 4 months old. Unlike some celebrity partings that end with the couple proclaiming their phony baloney respect for one another, there was no chance these two love turds would remain friends. “We said our I dos, we did and were done,” read their grammatically-challenged statement. Indeed, their animosity was as steep as the angle of young Mister Rock’s near-constant erection during his marriage to the former Nancy Drew® playmate, later Babewatch™ lifeguard, later wife of enormously-endowed sex tape superstar drummer Tommy Lee Jones-Anderson. For her well-sculpted part, Ms. Anderson referred to the Kid as “a sleazy, greasy fuckstick,” while he replied with his trademark snicker, “That’s the nicest thing that big-titted whore ever said about me.” 'Twas a shame, as their wedding was said to be a holy-moley affair at sea. The bride wore white trash, while the wife-beater T-shirted groom wore out his welcome instantly when he flipped off the Captain of the Love Boat® cruise liner they were married aboard. “Love, bare-assed and new,” crooned warbler Jack Jones-Anderson off a loose leaf sheet of re-realized lyrics compliments of Rock, “Come aboard, we’re expecting you to pound away on every square inch of waterproofed, chlorine-scented laminate.” During their time together, the two would consummate their union vigorously, publicly — utilizing every lubricating, vibrating sexual aid and restraining device available from Lover's Lame® online — and were said to be thrusting through the motions as they signed the papers ending their star-crossed, salad-tossed union.