Emissions of Mercy

"Fart With Confidence™" reads the advert for Shreddies® Flatulence Filtering Underwear — "and with repeating vigor," I'll add, for after a daylong station house trial, I can confirm that Shreddies carbon-lined rear-coverage provides miraculous odour capture, indeed. With our concern of unpleasant emission now officially allayed, Yours Truly Dooley® plans to fearlessly partake of the autumnal dietary spectrum this season — Cornish hen, turkey bird and stuffing, spiral ham off the hambone, steamed broccoli, boiled cabbage, cauliflower and all manner of legumes, garlic mash potatoes, cheesy potatoes awe gratin, Mother Johns signature 7-Layer salad, succulent sausage bangers and beef rib tips, devilish eggs, creamed soups, cold slaw, crammed berries and the entire spread of dessert offerings, creamy custards and cakes — and for the morning constitutional, steel-cut oats and iron-rich bran flakes, apricots and raisins — all in great quantities, without a care to the consequence, mixed company be damned, or in this instance blessed. Speaking of company, we have a surprise for our Thanksgiving guests this week: one pair of Shreddies® for each relations — S, M and XXXL — who will be instructed to "swap undies" upon arrival for the annual feasting. Methinks the family will universally approve of a visit where "farting around" no longer implies devastating — room-evacuating — expulsion and that any discussion of gas rightly revolves 'round the price of petrol at the pump. Pass the buttery turnips!