To Sirs, With Love
Random Memorandum™ to "Brooke," the "bored and untoward" madam seeking anonymous coition: I received your unsolicited posting and must inform you that I will not — under any circumstance — entertain your indecent offering. Mind you, I am not unsympathetic to your desiring of companionship. As a uniformed foot soldier walking a proper policeman’s beat in my youth, I made the acquaintance of many a lonely, work-widowed housewife. I met their suggestive stares from behind the lacy curtains in their bedroom windows. I read their minds utilizing a similar telepathy to that employed by puffy, anti-semitic adman Mel Gibson on thin-lipped adwoman Helen Hunt in "What Nora Ephron Thinks Women Want." I've known what it’s like to be an object of a stranger's desires, but as a married man and duty-bound official, I properly rejected these advances. I knew that no good could come from wanton, casual couplings, as they rarely have a happy ending — so to speak — as that seen in the 1970’s sex farce “Looking for Mr. and Mrs. Goodbar.” Today, in my capacity policing the passageways of the Arnold "Al" Gore Memorial Misinformation Superhighway™, I've witnessed a shocking rise in said couplings, the details of which would make one's pubis hair stand on end. In other words, you are not alone in your digital solicitations, Madam Brooke; however, the bald-faced tenor of your Twitternet™ subject line — “BROOKE WANTS SEX!!!” — is singularly off-pudding. Honourable men — decent chaps who can capably perform an act of sexual congress for longer than six seconds — aren't nearly as submissive as your demand would deem. So while your clever use of the term F*CKBOOK for FACEBOOK and your pale pink hoop skirt give this red-blooded patrolman pause, I suggest that you rethink your online query, whilst ceasing and desisting altogether with further intercourse-pondence with the station house. Yours Truly, Constable Dooley®.
Random Memorandum™ to "Brooke," the "bored and untoward" madam seeking anonymous coition: I received your unsolicited posting and must inform you that I will not — under any circumstance — entertain your indecent offering. Mind you, I am not unsympathetic to your desiring of companionship. As a uniformed foot soldier walking a proper policeman’s beat in my youth, I made the acquaintance of many a lonely, work-widowed housewife. I met their suggestive stares from behind the lacy curtains in their bedroom windows. I read their minds utilizing a similar telepathy to that employed by puffy, anti-semitic adman Mel Gibson on thin-lipped adwoman Helen Hunt in "What Nora Ephron Thinks Women Want." I've known what it’s like to be an object of a stranger's desires, but as a married man and duty-bound official, I properly rejected these advances. I knew that no good could come from wanton, casual couplings, as they rarely have a happy ending — so to speak — as that seen in the 1970’s sex farce “Looking for Mr. and Mrs. Goodbar.” Today, in my capacity policing the passageways of the Arnold "Al" Gore Memorial Misinformation Superhighway™, I've witnessed a shocking rise in said couplings, the details of which would make one's pubis hair stand on end. In other words, you are not alone in your digital solicitations, Madam Brooke; however, the bald-faced tenor of your Twitternet™ subject line — “BROOKE WANTS SEX!!!” — is singularly off-pudding. Honourable men — decent chaps who can capably perform an act of sexual congress for longer than six seconds — aren't nearly as submissive as your demand would deem. So while your clever use of the term F*CKBOOK for FACEBOOK and your pale pink hoop skirt give this red-blooded patrolman pause, I suggest that you rethink your online query, whilst ceasing and desisting altogether with further intercourse-pondence with the station house. Yours Truly, Constable Dooley®.