A Bump In The Rocky Road

Today in “Ask An Internet Patrolman™,” Flora Burkhart of Arkansas, USA writes, “Dear Constable Dooley, last night at 10 p.m. or there 'bouts, I was headin' home from the Kum & Go off Highway 59 with a pint of Edy’s® Slow Churned™, when I sorta sideswiped a pick-up parked near the foothills of the Ozark Mountain. The driver and his lady friend were hollerin' mad, but  I didn't see nuthin' wrong with the truck that weren't already wrong with it — there weren't no bumpers hangin' off it or nuthin' — so I figured "no harm, no foul" — as we say at the mattress factory — and hightailed it outta' there. I swear on a stack of Mama's best bibles that I weren't hittin' & runnin', I just wanted to keep the Rocky Road ice cream I bought — for my girls, my boyfriend and his son from his third marriage — from melting all over the goldarned seat covers. Well, wouldn't you know, the owner of the truck tracked me down and is fixin' to sue my ass, and the police hauled me in and suspended my license. Was I wrong to flee the scene?” Thank you for writing, Flora. Rest assured, you were not wrong to hurry home. Indeed, you did the right thing in attempting to salvage the sweet, cooling dessert treat! Delivering all the real cream taste of regular ice cream, but with half the calories, Edy’s “Slow Churned, Rich & Creamy®” is the real deal. Top shelf all the way, darlin’! Compared to the low-calorie “ice milk” offerings in the days of yore, Edy’s Slow Churned is a delightful rarity not to be squandered. Furthermore, a quick scanning of the Google™ informs me that all Edy’s products at Kum & Go stores are “Buy One Get One Free” this week, which means you were likely concerned about a second pint in the car melting. Perhaps this was a flavor — say, English Toffee or Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough — you had hoped to keep to yourself. Maybe you were sampling from the pint — and who could bloody blame you — as you came around the bend and clipped the pick-up thoughtlessly parked in your path. Methinks those two "hosebags" — I believe is the term you use for Miley Cryus and her ilk — were up to no good at that hour — hollerin' prior to your arrival, if you catch my meaning — and are lucky you don’t sue them for public indecency. Tell 'em to sod off and if they give you any more business, I’ll approach the local authorities on your behalf. Happy Trails, which is to say, “Rocky Road,” darlin'! Yours Truly, Constable Dooley®.