Good God It's Friday

As I Understand It™, on this day in history — the day the Citizens Faithful call Good Friday® for reasons unbeknownst to me, as no day would be a good day for hauling a cross-beamed instrument of one's own death up a bloody hill — his majesty Jesus H. Christ was arrested at a local garden center in Gesthemane and sentenced to be crucified by Pontius Pilates, the original activist judge. Never one to pull punches, Pilates — the fifth Precept in the Province of Judea in the Court of the Crimson King — was said to have been reluctant to condemn Jesus and, indeed, washed his hands of the matter with a cheap, Amway® cake soap before giving over the hunky, hirsute Son of God and/or Man to the unruly crowd, whilst letting off the scoundrel Barabbas with a penance of ten “Hail Marys,” ten “Hour Fathers” and ten “Bless Us, Oh Lord and These Thy Animated Gifs.” Methinks that barmy bastard Pilates should have himself been fitted with a proper crown of thorns and nailed to a cross for his cowardice, but rather he continued his judgeship and later starred in a reality show that had plaintiffs and defendants sparring in the coliseum for coin and Goat's Head Soup. Today, the supreme weasel and eternal shame of the court system is best known for his namesake Pilates™ fitness system, a form of isometric exercise that he developed to help slaves concentrate on core body strength as they built the bloody pyramids or something. Meanwhile, ole' Jesus would have the last laugh — and the last of the center cut ham — by rising on the third day in time for a lavish champagne Easter brunch, upstaging the Peeps® Bunny himself. Bravo and Brilliantine™, Mr. Christ!