Fired Writer Now, Magically, Freelance One

Employment-challenged citizens on either side of the pond could do worse than follow the lead of our stateside representative in Chicago, who's experiencing something of a career rebirth in the Twitternet™ bored room known as SlinkedIn®. The recently terminated inkspiller has almost magically transformed himself from “Fired Writer” into “Freelance Writer” with a series of otherworldy strokes on the keyboard. “I’m writing my own story now,” the curriculum vitae conjuror tell his long-suffering missus between life-sustaining pulls on his CamelBak® Water Chute. Brilliantine, Citizen Terminato! The fired-which-is-to-say-freelance writer’s nuanced resume boasts time with various and sun-dried advert shops in his beloved Second-Tier City™, yet abbreviates or altogether buries his tenure at less-heralded, which is to say, sub-urban ones. "Don't ask, don't tell the truth," he adds before having another go at his profile page, cunningly neglecting to mention the year he graduated from University, though no one is falling for that one! At any (day) rate, in his capacity as "Freelance Writer" at the “Home Office” — “Guest Room, if you will, but I won't” — the once-salaried earner readies himself to brave a freelance hellscape of trade ads, carousel ads, pre-scroll ads, e-mail blastings, corporate videos and soul-crushing social tedium, all whilst banging out his oddball satiric blog, which he "publishes" under a curious non de plume. “I think it’s a good strategy to have my best writing attributed to someone other than myself,” he says of the blog. In addition to “Freelance Writer,” the overly-seasoned scribe has experimented with such inventive titles as “Creative Partner,” "Creative Content Lead" and even “Executive Creative Director,” a position that has proven elusive to the sometime CD, yet one he couldn't bring himself to claim, even on SlinkedIn, a sort of OldFaceBook™ for all manner of growed-up arsewipes. The award-winner-in-a-previous-millenium has begun launching his portfolio slink out into the recesses of the creative recruitment vortex and unabashedly contacting former agencies and associates about project work. “Rates are negotiable,” he says on the advice of several SlinkedIn influencers, themselves noted resume fabricators. Alrighty almighty, then, Chumley! Perhaps a friend in our vast and serpentine network will hear of your plight and toss you a MilkBone® via private message here at the station house. In the meantime, matey, do remember that a proper working gent — networking or otherwise — is always at his hygienic best. Whiskers waxed, nostrils plucked, choppers brushed and ballsack trussed. GodSpeedo®!