Fire In The Bumhole

“It is universally well known, that in digesting our common food there is created in the bowels of human creatures, a great quantity of wind. That the permitting of this silent but deadly air to escape into the atmosphere is offensive to civilized gatherings of mixed, unmarried company where pleasantries are exchanged and moist Sara Lee® crumbcakes are served. That well-bred citizens — which is to say, those not residing in British industrial havens and the entirety of the American south — desiring to avoid giving offense, forcibly restrain the efforts of nature to discharge or 'break wind' until they find themselves in an area of sufficient open acreage — downwind, if you will, and why bloody wouldn't you? — at which point emission is encouraged and, indeed, applauded when set to flame.” — A Random Memorandum™ from U.S. Founding Father and gastroenterology enthusiast Benjamin Franklin, with a flatulatory assist from Yours Truly Dooley®.