A Head of Her Time
If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in history — February 8, 1587 — that Mary Queen of Scots was beheaded, her giant, fearsome noggin' forever frozen in time, befittingly, as ole' Mar had a face that could stop a clock on the order of Big Ben. Mind you, cosmetics were in their infancy back then and — judging from the portraitures on display at Twitternet™ Search Studios — Mary’s attempts to apply a "pale mask of youth” met with frightful results, as her first cousin/second husband Lord Danley unwisely observed before finding himself dead in the garden at Mutha Mary’s hand, with an assist from James Hepburn, 4th Earl of Sandwich Trays™. Yet, while one doubts whether an army of smocked cosmetic counter lasses or a convoy of aproned Avon® ladies with truckloads of foundation crèmes, eyeliners and lipsticks could have done much with Mary’s cheerless countenance, we’re certain 'twasn’t poor skin highlights that led to the loppin' o' her giantine costard (look it up). No, ‘twas her misjudging the familial ties of first cousin “once removed” Queen Elizabeth I of England that led to her demise, for after Mary Contrary was found guilty of Lord Danley’s death — that buggerer Earl got off “scot free" and opened a sandwich franchise to the north — Mary fled southwards seeking her cousin’s protection, only to find herself “at-once removed” and confined to a castle in England. After many years of house arrest, rather like the non-beauty who became the beast, Mary was found guilty of conspiring to assassinate Elizabeth and was thusly executed in the famous beheading that found the beheader crying, “God Save the Queen,” whilst holding Mary’s gruesome, severed crown up high, which England’s Sex Pistols later immortalized in song. In related news, legendary face-painted pugilist Sylvester Stallone’s “Bullet to the Head” opened at the bottom of the Hollywood scrap heap on this day in 2012, the paltry $5 million in box office receipts surely finding heads rolling, possibly down the stairs, ala “Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte Beers.” All of which goes to show that all the makeup in the world can’t save murderously bad actors or actresses of any sort. God may have saved Queen Elizabeth I, but he left Rocky and/or Rambo to fend for himself.
