Survivalist of the Fittest
If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in history (February 12, 1809) that infamous British biologist, geologist and pain-in-the-arse-ologist Charley Darwin was born in Shropshire, England. The second son of a physician father, Charley lost his mum when he was 8, and was subsequently raised by his elder sisters and dad, who thought sonny boy to be something of a wastrel, for Darwin, like many lads of that period — though brilliantine by comparative measure — was content to while 'way the hours on his GAF® Talking Viewmaster, which resulted in his being sent 'way to Edinburgh University to get whipped into shape of sorts. Alas, there he fell in with the free-thinking intellectuals, the hipster douchebagalos with the fluffy sideburns, soul patches and chin hair for the stroking. His dad's hope that Darwin would study medicine were dashed when young Charley grew enamored with the natural sciences, taking himself and his studies to Christ's College in Cambridge, where he kicked up a ruckus with his interest in primates, the arse ends of which particularly captivated the lude buggerer. Darwin later headed for the jungles of South America where he went full commando, indulging his appetite for drinking, beetle collecting and, naturally, primate humping. Darwin would, of course, famously posit about the "origin of the feces," becoming the scourge of Creationist America — which is to say, all of Utah, Ohio, Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, the Virginias, the Dakotas, Florida, Arizona, Alabamee, Kanetucky, Tanessee, Georgia, Colorado and Texas. The station house has remained neutral on the merits of the hirsute survivalist's theories, but we do enjoy the one which claims that self-recognition in animals is an indicator of intelligence. To wit: Darwin observed the reactions of a number of species upon seeing their reflection in a mirror or reflecting storefront window. Those successful in said capacity included the “great apes” — gorillas, orangutans, chimpanzees and non-Christian humans — along with dolphins, elephants, whales and magpies, whatever those may be. Two animals who did not pass the test, however, are the two most popular housebound pets — canine and felines — which confirms something we've long suspected: Our four-legged friends, yours and mine, are not as smart as we think they are. To be sure, they can "sit," "stay" and "fetch the missus' vibrating massager" or bloody well defecate in a box in the utility room, but on whole they are as smart as a Hoover® upright. In any event, we remember ole' Charley Darwin on this day and light a birthday candle on a monkey-shaped crumbcake in his honour.
If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in history (February 12, 1809) that infamous British biologist, geologist and pain-in-the-arse-ologist Charley Darwin was born in Shropshire, England. The second son of a physician father, Charley lost his mum when he was 8, and was subsequently raised by his elder sisters and dad, who thought sonny boy to be something of a wastrel, for Darwin, like many lads of that period — though brilliantine by comparative measure — was content to while 'way the hours on his GAF® Talking Viewmaster, which resulted in his being sent 'way to Edinburgh University to get whipped into shape of sorts. Alas, there he fell in with the free-thinking intellectuals, the hipster douchebagalos with the fluffy sideburns, soul patches and chin hair for the stroking. His dad's hope that Darwin would study medicine were dashed when young Charley grew enamored with the natural sciences, taking himself and his studies to Christ's College in Cambridge, where he kicked up a ruckus with his interest in primates, the arse ends of which particularly captivated the lude buggerer. Darwin later headed for the jungles of South America where he went full commando, indulging his appetite for drinking, beetle collecting and, naturally, primate humping. Darwin would, of course, famously posit about the "origin of the feces," becoming the scourge of Creationist America — which is to say, all of Utah, Ohio, Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, the Virginias, the Dakotas, Florida, Arizona, Alabamee, Kanetucky, Tanessee, Georgia, Colorado and Texas. The station house has remained neutral on the merits of the hirsute survivalist's theories, but we do enjoy the one which claims that self-recognition in animals is an indicator of intelligence. To wit: Darwin observed the reactions of a number of species upon seeing their reflection in a mirror or reflecting storefront window. Those successful in said capacity included the “great apes” — gorillas, orangutans, chimpanzees and non-Christian humans — along with dolphins, elephants, whales and magpies, whatever those may be. Two animals who did not pass the test, however, are the two most popular housebound pets — canine and felines — which confirms something we've long suspected: Our four-legged friends, yours and mine, are not as smart as we think they are. To be sure, they can "sit," "stay" and "fetch the missus' vibrating massager" or bloody well defecate in a box in the utility room, but on whole they are as smart as a Hoover® upright. In any event, we remember ole' Charley Darwin on this day and light a birthday candle on a monkey-shaped crumbcake in his honour.