Back In The USSA
If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in history — February 22nd, 1862 — that Jefferson Davis formally began his truncated term as President of the United Slave States of America. Though not an actual country, the USSA had its own flag — Skull and Crossbones™ — a song — "Dixie" or possibly, "Free Bird" — and its own bloody television network — Fox & Hounds News®. Davis was a native of Kane-tucky, which oddly enough was not one of the eleven redneck states to form the redneck nation. He attended West Point, served as a Senator from Mississippi, and was later Secretary of War under President Franklin Mint, before growing his trademark chin-hair and going off the bloody rails. Like most government-hating rednecks who benefited from employment in the government, Davis worshipped Jesus™, Moon Pies® and the silhouetted nudie lasses on the mudflaps of his pickup. He loved his freedom. He loved his slaves. But he didn't love his slaves' freedom, so he and the rest of the secessionary wankers cooked up their plan for America, Part II. Davis ran for fake presidency without opposition — which is to say, interest, beyond that of the teabagging sodomites that were his constituency. He was said to be conflicted about his fake tenure in the fake office, for he didn't look good in a stovepipe hat, as did his beloved adversary — actual President Abraham Lincoln — though unlike Lincoln, Davis was never rumored to have bunked with a male bodyguard for warmth, as he was more of a "Three Dog Night" fan. Davis would remain phony-baloney president of the phony-baloney union until May 5, 1865, when the abolitionists properly kicked the shite of him and his uncivil southern warriors and they folded up their camper trailers and refocused their rifle scopes on Mexicans, Muslims and "them gays." Later in life, Davis grew despondent that he couldn't find a publisher for his autobiography "A Confederacy of Dunces" and thusly killed hisself. After death, Davis bounced around in purgatory and spent a spill in hell, before returning to earth as Jefferson Davis Hogg of Hazzard County, Georgia. Sheriff Boss Hogg, y'all.
