Hawkeye, Pierced

If Memory Swerves™, 'twas on this day in history (February 28, 1983) that the Korean War™ and the decades-spanning reality TV show that documented it officially concluded. Over a million viewers across the pond fiddled with the rabbit ears atop their Philco® televisions to witness Hollywood, California Governor Ronald Reagan arrange for the return of the hostages or something, whilst the “Mobile Army Hospital Shenanigans” — M*A*S*H, ostensibly — came to their inevitable conclusion: Smartypants crybaby Alan Ladd (pictured here, crying) lost his marbles after passing out atop Frank Burns and Soon-Yi’s baby, smothering the poor bastard child; Colonel Sherman T. Potter finally dropped his defenses, along with his army-issue trousers, properly putting it to hot-lipped, ample-hipped Loretta Swift; Colonel Klinger consented to having his male assemblage thwacked and tucked; Father "Red" Mulcahy lost — not his virginity, alas — but his hearing; and lastly, B.J. Hunnicutt misspelled “Goodby” with iguana eggs on a hillside backlot as army helicopters pulled away to the strains of "Suicide Is Bloody Painless;" Of course, 'twasn’t "goodbye," but rather, “see you soon,” as the post war follow-up "AfterMASH" took over the Monday time slot without missing a beat, reuniting doctors and nurses in Cleveland Clinic supply closets to cheat on unknowing spouses with wartime abandon. Others would go their separate ways, as Adam "Trapper John" Cartright, M.D. set up a medicinal marijuana shop in Denver, Walter O'Reilly became a highway policeman in R*A*D*A*R, Dr. Sidney Freeman was oddly coupled with Tony Randall in "Hello, Sidney" and Maclean Stevenson left medicine for the talk radio world of “Hello, Larry, This Is Dr. Phil.” On a final note, the last episode of M*A*S*H in no small measure accounted for the birth of cable television. 'Twas discovered that with so many people watching the same channel and running to the loo during the very same commercial break, overworked plumbing systems could not withstand the pressures of so many toilets being flushed at the same time, causing shite storms to erupt geyser-like 'cross the countryside. A team of quick-thinking civil engineers suggested that if Hollywood gave viewers more channel options, visits to home latrines would likely be staggered. So in some way you can thank the 4077th for the Kardashians, Duck Dynasty and all the bloody rest of it.