Random Memorandum™ to would-be Humane Society® adoptee and self-described “go getter” Parker the Puggle: I wish I was writing with good news, chumley, but alas, I am not. We received your materials and cleverly worded e-missive — “Every dog has his day and I’m hoping mine is today” — but after much deliberation, we are regretfully declining your request for candidacy as station house pooch. Mind you, your paperwork was impeccable, Parker! I was indeed impressed with your curriculum vitae, as “friendly, loyal and loving” are qualities that will serve you well, wherever life takes you. Furthermore, a puppy who’s “fully housebroken and crate trained,” knows essential commands such as “sit, stay and don’t shite there,” while also enjoying home movies, food and wine pairings and erotic massage, will not want for companionship. Unfortunately, I am not partial to certain elements of your breeding, no matter how many assurances I get from trainers that all is well and fine, and ‘tis perfectly normal for pugs and beagles to mix and match — or rather hatch — and that it’s just another day in the dog park to see two lustful creatures of different upbringing nosing around one another’s portals before commencing to do the dog nasty as though it was as nature intended. When I first heard of your kind, and witnessed the curious proportions of your head and body, my reaction was immediate: “What in bloody blue blazes is a puggle?” Frankly, Parker, your parents ought be ashamed of themselves, though I don’t care to know which of those horny buggers was humping the other’s arse end, as I’m not accepting of it, no matter who was the mummy or the daddy. It may give you comfort to know that I'm not singling out puggles as I have similar ill feeling about bloody labradoodles, chihuahuasunds and other breeding abominations. Love and marriage may go together like a horse and carriage, but horses and carriages don’t have sexual relations with the intention of birthing a four-wheeled "horriage," if you catch my meaning. In closing, we appreciate you applying for the position, dewormed and deballed. A nice touch there, Citizen Half Breed! You’ve got doggy style!Saturday, February 5
Half Breed
Random Memorandum™ to would-be Humane Society® adoptee and self-described “go getter” Parker the Puggle: I wish I was writing with good news, chumley, but alas, I am not. We received your materials and cleverly worded e-missive — “Every dog has his day and I’m hoping mine is today” — but after much deliberation, we are regretfully declining your request for candidacy as station house pooch. Mind you, your paperwork was impeccable, Parker! I was indeed impressed with your curriculum vitae, as “friendly, loyal and loving” are qualities that will serve you well, wherever life takes you. Furthermore, a puppy who’s “fully housebroken and crate trained,” knows essential commands such as “sit, stay and don’t shite there,” while also enjoying home movies, food and wine pairings and erotic massage, will not want for companionship. Unfortunately, I am not partial to certain elements of your breeding, no matter how many assurances I get from trainers that all is well and fine, and ‘tis perfectly normal for pugs and beagles to mix and match — or rather hatch — and that it’s just another day in the dog park to see two lustful creatures of different upbringing nosing around one another’s portals before commencing to do the dog nasty as though it was as nature intended. When I first heard of your kind, and witnessed the curious proportions of your head and body, my reaction was immediate: “What in bloody blue blazes is a puggle?” Frankly, Parker, your parents ought be ashamed of themselves, though I don’t care to know which of those horny buggers was humping the other’s arse end, as I’m not accepting of it, no matter who was the mummy or the daddy. It may give you comfort to know that I'm not singling out puggles as I have similar ill feeling about bloody labradoodles, chihuahuasunds and other breeding abominations. Love and marriage may go together like a horse and carriage, but horses and carriages don’t have sexual relations with the intention of birthing a four-wheeled "horriage," if you catch my meaning. In closing, we appreciate you applying for the position, dewormed and deballed. A nice touch there, Citizen Half Breed! You’ve got doggy style!