Caine Enabled

Well I’ll be a Monkey’s Relation™! If it isn't the Renaissance Man Who Would Be King — the oft-imitated Cockney script garbler Sir Michael Caine! You're looking well in your 15th century finery, your knightship. What’s that, you say? ‘Tis not finery, but rather, your ‘round-the-neighborhood lamé-trimmed skullcap and fur? Brilliantine™! So what brings your artfully dodgy Elizabethan self to this nape of the neck? A location scout for a remake of "The Hand"? Script run-through for the latest installment in the long-dormant oceanography series, “Jaws™: Open Wide and Chomping”? Or perhaps a public relations apology tour on behalf of “Dark Knight” co-star Christian Bale? Haha. Say, Sir Michael, jesting aside, did you consider standing up to that wanker Bale and saying something like, "Listen, Mr. Stately Wayne Manor, only one actor on this set was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II, and 'twasn't you!" Bam! Say, Alfie, between us gents, what was it like rollin’ 'round the sand with Joe Bologna’s top-heavy twenty-something daughter in “Blame It On Rio”? Bloody hell, Heaven® is a film set! Say, Sir Michael, here’s an idea: A direct-to-video biblical retelling of "Michael Caine & Abel," in which you play both roles — ala the slasher and the headshrinker in “Dressed to Kill,” with Police Woman™ Pepper Rodgers? What’s that, you say? You’ll take it under advisement? What more could I ask for, other than your John Hancock™ in my policeman’s notebook? It would be your pleasure, say you? No, sir, the pleasure is all mine! What a piece of work is Michael Caine! Godspeed, Citizen Celluloid™ and Sitting Subject for Renaissance Oil Masters!